The Mild Thanksgiving Dinner Disaster

Twas the day after Thanksgiving and all through the home,
food was preparing and the families were come.
The rolls were all snug in the oven raising
and snitching fingers were veggie tray grazing.

The mashed potatoes were mixed to perfection
and ready for later were all the confections.
I stepped out to the garage to check on the turkey with care,
and the absent scent was first to make me aware

that with this bird there was something the matter.
And then to my dismay—oh how my heart did clatter—
I spied that the temperature knob of the roaster oven
had not been set at 325 for the past hours-half-dozen

but at 225 had my bird been comfortably warming
all while the the rest of us were busily swarming
to spread a buffet worthy to support its leading role.
I sighed and glared at the pinkish raw troll,

turned up the heat, slammed the lid down 
and trudged back to the kitchen, my lips in a frown.
I called all the poor turkey meat lovers by name,
"Now Jason and Aaron and Ammon and Dave,

the turkey won't be ready in time for our feast,
but do not dismay, we'll still eat the beast . . .
just probably after dinner, dessert, and cleanup."
We were disappointed, but we didn't give up!

No, not even after the rolls started burning
and the smoke alarm commenced its spurning
that made babies cry and my eyebrow twitch—
I wanted to scream or laugh, I couldn't tell which—

but we salvaged the roll guts and aired out the room
and though it seems like a tale wrought mostly with doom,
a moment of glory I am able to tell,
Spoon and I scrapped up a gravy that turned out quite well.

With the help of gratitude, humor, and deli meat slices
this year's Thanksgiving feast was something priceless.

And after the pie bar, family time, and holiday crafts,
from the garage came our turkey at last.

So if ever your turkey leaves you in a gravy lurch,
remember your potatoes; give your pantry a search
and I bet you'll find all these ingredients in sight.
Happy Thanksgiving to all and to all a good bite!

Emergency Gravy

I didn't take any exact measurements, so get your experimentation cap on and get mixing, to taste.
Ingredients
A can of broth
3 spoonfuls of Better Than Bullion paste (or bullion cubes or pearls)
Enough milk whisked with enough flour to make a thickener
2 tablespoons butter
1 tablespoon dried onion flakes
1 (15 oz) can condensed cream of chicken soup
Poultry Magic seasoning blend, to taste
Salt and pepper to taste

Dump it all together, use your immersion hand blender (I just got the Breville hand blender. I did a little dance.) to emulsify those onion flakes as they soften. The onions, believe it or not, really make the gravy taste like it had anything to do with meat drippings. The butter helps give it a fatty taste and cozy all the ingredients together.

I think I used about 2 cups milk and oh maybe a 1/4 cup flour or more for the thickener. Bring to a boil whisking constantly/blending as needed. Add water to thin if needed. Add whatever you want if your taste tests beg it.

see (bottom right), it totally looks like normalish gravy, right?

And there you have it. A rather tasty emergency gravy. The kids kept dumping it all over their potatoes and dipping their deli meat slices in it, so . . . success. The adults loved it too, don't worry.

Keep those imaginations cookin'!

The Pie Bar

Make your Pi day (March 14th) or Thanksgiving day an event to remember because you actually get to join in and enjoy it!

I love pies during the holidays, but a perfect flaky-crust-to-filling ratio is hard to achieve and sometimes I just don't want to take the time. This post showcases my favorite way to prepare and serve pies: the build-it-yourself Pie Bar.

The concept is easy: separate filling from crust and let people put as much or as little filling on their cooked cutout crusts as they want.

Preheat oven to 450 degrees F.

Place flour and salt in a mixing bowl. Stir together. Use pastry blender to cut the shortening into the flour until it forms rice-size pellets. Sprinkle in water one tablespoon at a time, mixing with large spoon or rubber scraper until flour is moistened and dough almost cleans the sides of the bowl as you stir.

Gather dough into one ball. Flatten on a lightly floured surface and roll out to about the thickness of the ridge of a standard canning lid. The nice thing about the pie bar is you don't have to roll out a perfectly round dough. Just roll it out to whatever shape it becomes.

Cut out pie shapes large enough for one reasonable serving of pie and place dough shapes on ungreased cookie sheet (though I almost always clothe naked baking sheets with parchment paper and recommend it if you've got some). Take a fork and generously stab the dough shapes to prevent dough bubbles. With this leaf shape, you could make your fork stabs look kind of like leaf veins.

Always be adventurous in your creativity. You can brush some of the dough shapes with cream or egg white and sprinkle with cinnamon and sugar for crusts to be eaten without filling. Or grate some gruyère and press it into some dough shapes for serving your apple pie filling.

Bake shapes 10 to 15 minutes or until a golden finish just begins to appear. Remove from oven and let cool in pan 3 to 5 minutes.

Remove from pan and serve or carefully set aside on display plates for when it's time for dessert.

For fillings . . . there are countless recipes out there. Mostly I choose the easier routes for the Pie Bar because the concept was engineered for laziness. Make your cream pies from box puddings. A couple scoops of a variety of puddings on as much crust as I want is kind of how I imagine heaven will be. Somehow correlated. . . .

I still cook up my favorite fillings, just without the crust where possible. The only pie I still make in a pan with the crust beneath the filling is the pumpkin pie, because, well, pumpkin pie.

I slice up fresh apples, mix them with sugar, flour, and pie spices and dump them in a ceramic pie dish and bake the filling without crust at 425, stirring occasionally, until the apples are soft. I even once dared mixed in one can of pie filling to make my apples go farther. It felt like I was sinning. The filling was still delicious.

I line the parchment-shod bottom of a pie tin with pecans and dump in corn syrup, brown sugar, butter, eggs, and vanilla; and toss them both in 350 degree oven until set. Then I take it out, mix up the gooey filling, and put it in a separate serving bowl.

Open up cans and boxes and make the holiday easy on yourself for once. No one complained at my house to have this freedom of pie choice. But if you think about the past, no one ever really gave thanks for the two hours each of those twelve homemade pies represented either. So if you love making pie for the sake of making pie, choose your favorite one and take as long as you want to make that pie your PERFECT pie. Then take a load off and serve up the rest Pie Bar style and I promise your holiday will still make everyone happy.

The best part about the Pie Bar is that you get to break all the traditional pie rules! You can have apple-coconut-creme-with-chocolate-shavings pie if you want. You only limit yourself to whatever you put on the table. Toast up coconut shavings; cut out even smaller dough shapes and serve them as "top crust" garnishing; dice up fresh pears and caramelize them with some butter and toss in roasted pecans, because why not?; of course make the Oat Crumble Topping because that's good on anything.

And so you see, by looking outside the pie pan, the height of creativity jumps over the moon.

Happy adventures in the kitchen to you, and happy holidays too!

Turkey Meatball Turkeys

I can't tell you how surprised I was to NOT find any pictures of this little edible craft online. Dare I claim to have had an unprecedented creative idea? Take that Pinterest!

With 4 pounds of Jelly Belly beans on my desk at work, you could say I'm definitely pro-sweets. But wouldn't you agree that a savory bite just really hits the spot sometimes? These little gobblers are entirely edible and have just the right kick and crunch to them. A sensible and festive appetizer—and that necessary something for the kids to "help" with so they're out of the way!

Ingredients
Turkey (or any meat) meatballs
Round tortilla chips
Jalapeño cream cheese spread (or use/make any savory flavor you prefer; I liked the spice. Laughing Cow soft spread cheese also works great.)
Variety cheeses, sliced
Twist pretzels

Just have enough of each ingredient so that you can "prepare the turkey" for as many people as you hope to impress. Heat the meatballs as directed. I chose to bake them so there wasn't greasiness, just heated meat. Set aside when done so they can cool for handling.

Meanwhile, if you've got a helper, have them lay out cheese slices or cut planks of cheese to your preferred feather thickness. Otherwise DIY! I used a serrated knife to slice blocks of sharp cheddar and Colby Jack cheese to get a textured plank.

 To make the feathers, cut teardrop or rounded diamond shapes out of the sliced cheese.

 If you can find or fashion little cookie cutters, you'll be happy!

If you've got another helper, have him or her carefully break or cut the top heart curves of the pretzel free from the rest of the knot. These pretzel curves look most like neck/head pieces to me, but that doesn't mean you can't think of a more creative and complicated morsel to make a turkey head from. Press longer curved end into meatball. Prepare a hole in the meatball with a quick poke from a knife if your pretzels don't skewer the meat very easily.

Then spread each rounded tortilla chip with cream cheese, covering only one side. (Triangle chips don't work so well. I had to keep breaking the pointed tip off so the turkey would stand, so that the feather fan didn't get as much glorious fanning action.) To ensure the chip will stick to the heated meatball, plop a glob of spreadable cheese on one edge of the chip. Like cheese glue.

Either stick the feathers to the chip in a fan formation first or press the coated chip against the meatball first and then squish the feathers into the cheese where there's still room.

If the meatballs don't stay up very well, you can use left over pretzel bits or cheese scraps to prop them up. You might also consider choosing cheese scrap props to double as little feet sticking out from the turkey's meaty body. Best to eat them sooner than later. The heated meatball can quickly get tough.

So simple and really the flavors and textures are quite enjoyable. But most important of all, cute! ;)

Note: not intended to replace actual Thanksgiving turkey. Your guests will love the meatball turkeys, but perhaps not enough to forgive the lack of turkey in the feast.

Off with you then. Taste the adventure!